Your cart

Your cart is currently empty.

Continue shopping

COVID-19 | Escape The Hysteria

5 Things to Do to Stay Safe from the Coronavirus

Did you miss out on the COVID-19 hysteria?

If yes, NOICE!

If no, we’re very sorry about your impending demise. … kidding! Coronavirus probably won’t kill you. We’re like 99.8% sure about that. If you’re between the ages of 10-39.

That’s because the literal data from Wuhan, China show that exact statistic. Here are the others:

40 or older? 99.6%. 98.7% chance of survival for the 50+ ‘ers; 96.4% for those over 60, 92% over 70, and a disappointing 85.2% over 80, but hey, death was a-knockin’ already, eh, old-timer?

Younger than 10? Great news - 0%! Turns out, people leave their babies at home during pandemics. Who knew?!

Of all cases, about 80% result in mild symptoms. I mean, it might FEEL like the world is ending – if you’ve had the flu, you know. Nobody wants to deal with that headache. And back ache. Actually, everything will ache.

So what can you do to prevent it?!

 

#1 Don’t Be Sick Already!

Having a strong immune system is siiick. Especially when you don’t want to get sick. The existing data on Coronavirus indicate that those with pre-existing conditions are more susceptible as well. Boost your immune system by:

  • Eating protein – your white blood cells (immune cells) need protein to do their jobs, like seek and destroy viruses. (For serious. White blood cell proliferation [increasing the number of WBCs] and cytokine secretion [WBC secretions that can attack intruders] depend on amino acids [which come from protein])
  • Getting enough – or extra – vitamin D.
  • Same with vitamin A.
  • Also with zinc!
  • Or, you know, just take a good multivitamin
  • DON’T STRESS
  • ^ even if it’s about coronavirus. It preys on your fear!
  • Sleep in, or go to sleep early. Who cares. We’re all working remotely nowadays anyway. It’s the new normal, and it’s terrific.
  • Don’t be a smoker. Did we really need to say this?
  • And lastly, do some exercise, but don’t go overboard. We know you’re already working out 7 days a week with 3-7 unplanned rest days, but don’t overdo it. Harder than normal sessions, especially when they’re back-to-back-to-back-to …, can temporarily weaken the immune system. *note, this is not an excuse for an extra unplanned rest day.

 

#2 Probably just stay home

Don’t hoof it. Grubhub it. In some states, you can even get alcohol by mail. Other than the COVID-19 cesspool that is your local gym, you literally have no reason to go out. You know, unless your job isn’t cool with you working from home. Jerks.

Coronavirus is straight chillin’ on surfaces for up to 3 days, and people might not even know they have it for the first FOURTEEN days that they have it. Yeah. 2 freakin’ weeks they’re going and spreading that basura around. Best case scenario, they spread it for 2 days, but hey, that’s one of the reasons why everyone is losing their cool, isn’t it?

 

#3 Wash ya hands

You filthy animal.

Per point #2, touching coronavirus is bad, see. And if you then go touch your mouth, ears, eyes, nose, or bootyhole, coronavirus gets inside. Then you get sick. And per point #1, 0.2 – 14.8% of you perish.

We don’t want that. Only the angsty millennials want that, and too bad for them, they’re blessed with stronger immune systems. *apathy for life swells*

 

#4 Don’t Go to The Doctor “Just to Check”

You know where people go when they have the coronavirus? The doctor.

As someone without Coronavirus, who do you want to avoid? People with Coronavirus.

Simple. Don’t visit them. You know they’re there.

Instead, if you think you might have it, CALL the hospital. They’ll schedule you for a test. Or they’ll notify the CIA for “strategic tango elimination.” Whatever that means.

At the time of writing, there aren’t enough tests anyway, so you’re not going to get tested even if you do show up. They literally don’t have the tests. As of this morning (Friday the 13th, muahahaha), Roche received FDA approval to expedite testing kit production, sooo maybe soon?

 

#5 If You Think You Have It

You probably do. It’s in vogue – everyone is getting it. In fact, you’re kind of a loser if you don’t get it. Sorry you don’t have any friends

Okay, not really!

If you think you have it, don’t pull a Rudy Gobert and go touching everything like an asshole. Quarantine yourself, which we know is the same advice as #2, but like really this time. Don’t take that quick trip to the convenience store to get a Twix. Order it on Amazon and hope you still want it when it arrives tomorrow.

We don’t know who said this, but, “if you’re not a part of the solution, you are a part of the precipitate.”

Immunologists get it.

And if you’re not an immunologist, chemist, or other person who understands the severity of the situation, just give a polite chuckle and self-quarantine.

Being cool is out of style, anyway. Billie Eilish said so.